Estrangement - When an adult daughter divorces her Mom?

Salt dough Christmas Lamb.

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   You probably didn't do anything!

At least that's what my research has discovered. Most moms who are experiencing this devastating non-relationship sure didn't see it coming.  To top it off what you think may be the reason or you are certain it's the reason probably doesn't have anything to do with your daughter's decision to distance herself from you in such an absolute manner. This is what my research said. It also said that taking on the blame for the unknown is not helpful and doesn't aid in resolving the situation. It wasn't your choice. You are not responsible for another's choices. We each have a right to choose.  Most likely there isn't anything you could have done to change anything.  It won't make any difference to the current situation to rehash what you think may have caused the result. Make peace with yourself and God and move forward.

It's the Holiday Season and particularly in this season this is a most difficult subject to post but on behalf of Moms who are in the midst of such a devastating circumstance I have felt it important to talk/write about my experience that is ongoing. I have done some looking around on the web to see what may be available to me that would help in anyway with my heart as I continue my way in the acceptance of something I have no control over. I have found that this thing that happens between family members is not at all rare and is on the rise. It is also not talked about much because of guilt, embarrassment, disbelief and many other reasons and feelings. So, here I am with my own version of estrangement initiated by my oldest daughter beginning in her mid 50's, my mid 70's.

I never even considered estrangement. Saw a few movies on TV about it and I think someone I knew long ago told me about it. I can remember seeing special stories reported in the news over the years about a parent and child being reunited after years of a separation by the choice of one or the other or maybe even consensual. Never in my wildest ideas and thought did ever consider I might have to really live it myself.

The date has escaped my memory, maybe that's intentional I don't know. I suppose if I tried, I could come close the time frame, but it isn't that important exactly when it happened. I don't know what the catalyst was or is. I think about it and really it could have been what was a slow-mo implosion that happened very quietly. Born out of offenses taken in both parties. The turning point did not contain conversation. There wasn't a face to face argument or yelling or anything like that. If there was a discussion I do not recall and considering the length of time it is possible I have blocked somethings out. As my memory serves me, I wrote a letter to my daughter with specific demands and ultimatums. Maybe that was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak and what did it. There was never a direct response to me from her and I haven't seen her since before the letter until just recently. 

I have not heard her voice. I am barred from knowing her address and that came when I asked for her address and was told that her she didn't want me to have her address so I didn't get it then. I have since learned that she doesn't want to know anything about me until it's over. I guess that means she doesn't want to know that I'm dying until after I die. Interesting and saddening. 

There have been family gatherings I wasn't invited to that she attended and that came to me via pictures posted of everyone but me attending. There was an event planned in which I informed that I would be at the party during a particular time frame to allow my daughter to attend without seeing me. Turned out she didn't go because of illness. On several occasions during the first year of the estrangement I attempted to have a conversation but a full stop was instituted the first time and at subsequent attempts. Never allowed to defend my stance or to hear my side of whatever the issue is that caused the separation or even if it was a letter.  

I even did some research to find out how long these situations typically last and found that between Mother and daughter it's 9 years generally. Some are shorter and some never reconnect. So, that was not a hope builder. I have no solution nor answers or even suggestions how to bridge the gap. I can say what I'm doing and not doing while I hope. At this point I'm not even waiting or looking for it to happen. I wouldn't say I've lost hope but what I have done is I've given it to my Heavenly Father because I have no control over what happens except for my own heart. 

My daughter is an adult and in her 60's now and completely in control of her decision making. At that age we've all actually been making our own decisions for many years, and we get to live with those decisions. So, she has made her decision and continues to maintain those decisions. Therefore, she owns it all. I haven't had anything to do with it for a very long time. Why do I say that? Because since she decided to pull away, I have had no options but to honor her choice.

I've not been allowed to have contact with her in any way. Again, her choice. I did not make that choice, so I don't own the whole thing. That idea has given me freedom to live my life to its fullest. Because I cannot do anything to change her mind but I can choose to be responsible for my choice to move forward and not get stuck in something I cannot control or do anything to resolve. 

I'm 80 now and I'm pretty much okay except when I'm not. And those "not" times happen maybe about every 4 or 5 months. When it does hit me, those sometimes are worse than others and some last longer than others but the good thing is I do pull out of them. I've just come out of one of those "not" times and it's very fresh but I am out of it. Each time is similar to the grief I suffered through when my husband died. 

The difference is she is alive and lives in the town down the road and visits her son and other family regularly. When one of those 'not's I mentioned happens I run the gambit of emotions in my head. When it first happened, I tried everything I could think of to mend the fence. What put a stop to that was when she decided not to let me have her address. When I was told me that she didn't want me to have her address, it began a whole new era in our relationship. 

Rejection from a child no matter how old they are is real. She is a woman in her 60's and it's a whole different issue and touches so many other feelings than when as a child gets mad at you.  No question now that as an adult with grown children of her own it's a real decision a thought-out choice. 

I do know that once we become adults, we get to legitimately make our own choices and the way I see it it's up to me to respect and honor her right to choose. So, when I am okay, I can live with that. When I'm not okay, I write a letter that never gets sent. I've written to her; I have written to her husband and emailed it. Those that I don't send are for venting, requesting that we reconcile. In the email I did send to the son in law, I said if he wasn't comfortable corresponding with me, I would understand and if I didn't hear from him soon, I would not bother him again. I haven't heard from him and that's been quite some time ago...months maybe even a year ago. 

Am I living my life? Absolutely! Am I happy, yes! Am I fulfilled? Yes! What there is though is a deeply seeded sorrow for the lack of my oldest daughter in my life with a desire that one day this will all be over. That part is hope, the hope that comes from my Savior Jesus Christ and that's how I can be all the above and enjoy life and I am enjoying my life even when a "not" time occurs. I don't know if this post is helpful except that sometimes I know that just knowing someone else has been through what I might be going through is encouragement. 

I hope that is the case for the reader whoever you are and whatever you may have going on in the life you are living that you are taking care of yourself.  Estrangement...even if it's someone else's. Maybe someone known to you is living with this kind of a divorce. I do know I've done all I can, and I've covered it all in prayer to my Heavenly Father and I know he is working when I don't see that he is working. In that comes the ability to be hopeful and keep on living my life joyfully. I hope for the day of reconciliation. 

I've talked a bit about choices, and I want to say something more about that. As adults have to can make choices. We can change our mind about those choices. It's a God given right. He won't stop us from making poor choices because He created us with that option to freely choose when there's an option.  He will only intervene when we ask. But we have to actually do that. If we ask, He will answer.

Once you invite God in you will begin the healing process, and an estrangement situation will no longer have power over you. That doesn't mean you will forget that person but it can mean the pain won't be there when you do think of her or even him. Choose to live the remainder of life in peace. This is what I'm working on doing now. And when the "not" comes I write a letter that never gets sent and I say everything that hurts at the moment.  Once I type it out where I can see it, I have a manner of relief.

Please leave a comment and tell me what you think. I really want to know. I'm in the cottage and May God bless you and keep you. Judy PS...our enemy Satan came to steel, kill and destroy. We who believe in Jesus know we have been protected and speaking His name "Jesus" will send the plans of our enemy to flight. Jesus is who he says he is, we have the God given right to stand up and choose Jesus over everything that concerns us. (meaning even our hurt and memories) because of John 3:16.

Follow-up. There was a wedding of which both my daughter and I attended. Though we came close never made eye contact or any other kind of connection. It was a surprisingly easy thing to accomplish. Still sad but I was able to accomplish the desired outcome of the situation without any unpleasantness. A week prior to the wedding and having the address through other sources, I sent a bouquet of flowers with a note which read "can we start over? Mom". I received no answer or recognition I know it was delivered because I called the florist to be sure. I have settled my heart that I have done all I can and decided, unless I change my mind, not to make any further attempts.  My choice.

I pray that anyone who reads this post and is in the midst of an estrangement will find some kind of encouragement, direction, help or anything positive out of my experience. My heart is with you, I understand as do many, many others. I pray God blesses you with restoration and peace over all.
 

Visit to Nurse PA and then...stayed!

Went to see the nurse and ended up in the ER then the hospital!

Who knew? Well of course God knew. At some juncture the thought did occur to me that I was going to hospital, but it was a fleeting thought. Sure, enough one thing led to another and there I was at 10am in bed in the ER at the hospital where I worked a long time ago in the gift shop. The hospital that my youngest daughter spent most of her 30-year career as a nurse. She was who I called when the VA Nurse Practitioner advised me very strongly to go to an ER. We left my car in the parking lot and at about 10 checked into the ER without having to wait as I recall. 

The whole protocol has changed since I was in hospital several years back. Now there is an ER doctor and hospitalists who are the hospitals doctors who rotate shifts who call all the shots literally. Specialists consult but it's the hospitalist who writes the orders for everything. He admits and discharges. Any other doctor in your life has not position except to do surgery. Specialists' can be called in but though they can order testing it is the hospitalist who actually puts all things in motion.

 My cardiologist ordered a test but it was the hospitalist who got it on the move and though the specialist told me to make an appointment in two weeks and he'd tell me what the test revealed. But that didn't happen...too many people on the way. I have yet to get an appointment from the powers that be. I expect to hear about that maybe next week, maybe. I had really good care in spite of all the rigmarole. 

Meals were excellent. All good color and tasty and more than enough food. Everything in that area was best ever as far as I'm concerned. The reason for all of the attention was triple digit numbers in my blood pressure and a really low heartbeat. The bp numbers have been going on since March this year and this is now August 3rd. I'm glad to be home and the numbers are all good now. A good many meds changed and some deleted. Since I've been home, I'm just plain tired. My EKG showed some scar tissue so the cardiologist things I've had an attack but I'm guessing I'll find out when at the appointment in his clinic. My daughter has been the best during the whole 5 days...guess 6 days now. She had all the information the doctors asked me for...I had no clue! And when I needed help, she went to bat for me and got what was needed during the 4 days I was there. She took Milo home with her. 

Milo was my dog at the time. He looks like a small black fox for which I'm exceedingly thankful... I couldn't have done so well without my daughter. This is the second day home and I'm ok but really tired. Didn't get to go to my grandsons wedding shower... and won't be going to church tomorrow. Not all that stable walking. I spent every day in bed. The walking I did was from the bed to the bathroom and back. So thankful to back in my own bed with my pooch. I'm on the mend and should be up and at'em the beginning of the week and I'm looking forward to that. In the meantime, I haven't done much of anything. 

About Milo...He has gone to North Carolina to live with his new mom and new brother Otis, a graying Chiwawa. (Can never remember how to spell it so it's phonetic.) I came back to this post to add the picture and decided to do some editing in the spelling and grammar and thought to redo Milo's info. I Miss him but he's got a buddy now to interest him and not be alone when his mom is gone. He was pretty lonesome with me.

 Guess I'll turn out the light on the day. This is Judy from Gramms Cottage with Milo alongside saying goodnight and God Bless all. Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you.

Sometimes Life is Just Hard

So I've put some pictures up for you to see why I've named this post "Sometimes Life is Just Hard". When I moved into my new apartment there was a flowerbed on the right next to the garage on my way to the front door. It was full of white landscaping rock. Because my frontdoor along with my porch neighbor is an alcove that collects whatever the wind blows the white rocks collect that stuff and it looses it's attrativeness. Sooo, I advertised on marketplace for white landscape rock FREE for the taking. Not too many days after I posted there was a taker. He and his significant other were doing some landscaping and he wanted the rock. And he actually did come and get all the rock (or at least the white rock, there was more than one level). As advertised, he took both mine and my neighbors rock Well then what? I had no plan.So for the last several weeks the flower bed was bare dirt with the second layer of rock revealing itself here and there. So, while I was thinking about what I was going to do with the flowerbed, I raked the remaining rock into piles with kind of a design developing in the process. The second picture is the beginnings of the plan I came up with. This was after clearing it with the management of the complex I live in. There is no water access in the flowerbed. There use to be but it has since stopped working and the sprinkler heads have been capped, so absolutely no water. The plan is...artificial turf with islands and a water feature. Some potted plants and eventually plantings of ornamental, drought tollerant grasses and whatever else I come up with all which will be planted on the islands. I spent last eveing laying the artifical turf. Hopefully I got the nap of the grass baldes heading all the same way. Using 6' nails each cut piece is nailed to the ground. The heads of the nails show, so I'm going to have to figure out how to fix that. I did buy some play sand for the infill which will be sprinkled on the turf, after I brush up the blades of grass so that they are standing up straight. The infill is suppose to help keep the blades standing up, weight the grass material down, and help the turf hug the ground. The turf I purchased was 3'x9' and I knew it wouldn't be enough to do the entire area I wanted to cover. I'm not really good at measuring for such a job so I elected to order one piece, lay it before ordering the rest of what I need. Anyway. I got as far as nailing the pieces down on the dirt. The next step will be to brush the blades up so they are standing up intsead of laying down. Then comes the sprinkling of the play sand and then somehow camoflaging the nail heads. Maybe just painting them to match the turf will work. May need to tape the back side of the turf where there are pieces joined to help keep them in place. BTW, it's not hard to pull up the nails. The water feature is a small pond ground with some big rocks and fake greenery placed around. I checked it out before buying the turf and it worked well. Later I plugged it in and it didn't work. I purchased a water resistant outdoor extension cord and haven't tested it yet but have decided that if the pump doesn't turn on when plugged in, I'm going to replace it with a solar operated pump. I probably should have done that to start with but I had an electric pump already so I put it in place. ld Sometimes Life gets Hard and this project has tested my abilities to carry out the plan. There's more to come and I'll be posting next time on the completion of the project in a couple of weeks. To tell the truth, I love the challenge and at 80, I operate under the idea that if I don't use it I'll loose it...talking about my physical strength. So until then don't let difficultiy stop you from doing things. Just do it! This is Judy on a Friday night doing what I really enjoy doing and that's writing. Blessings to all who read what I share and please leave a comment. I really would love to hear from you.

I've Got Pictures

The following are pictures of some of the crafts I am making for the October Craft Fair in my community that will be open to the city. Another picture is of two little blue pots with neat bouquets which will sell as a pair or single and beside them is a writing journas which I made including sewing the signatures (smaller grouped pages that make up the whole boo). This style of journal is called "Junk Journals". Within the pages are little suprises of little pockets to hold anything you want, like cash or pictures, notes, movie tickets. I like to encourage journalling because is can have such a positive effect on the individual. I personally use my journals like a diary but also write prayers out. The next photos are of little books. I call the sall ones "Something to Write On.They are to carry in a purse These pictures are of the crafts I'm making for the October Craft Fair in my community. I', signing off to the sounds of fire works in the night because it's the 4th of July the anniversary of our great nations's independance day. Happy Birthday America. I pray for far better day ahead!!!

These little paper shirts for both male and female are oragami and will hold a gift card or dollar bills of any denomination. They can even be hung on a Christmas Tree. The second picture shows one shirt folded up and the second is opened up so you can see where to put the gift card or cash in the folds then the bottom folds up and tucks under the points of the collar.

Crafting Again...YAY!

Everything's a big mess in my new craft room. I clean up and then mess it up! an ongoing cycle and I absolutely love crafting in my craft room. There's going to be a craft fair at my new apartment complex in October. I understand they do so every year. Apparently I get 2 6' long tables at no charge and I can sell my crafts and keep all the proceeds. So I have begun my planning as well as crafting. My list of crafts to be ready to sell includes, hand crafted jewelry by me, refreshed old jewelry collected, origami folded paper shirts that hold money or a gift Card, junk journals and small paper books for notes titled "something to write on" designed for purse or wallet, jewelry crafts like wall hangings and yard sale items renewed that haven't sold in the past like ceramic containers with floral arrangement included and various other renewed or newly adapted for new uses items. 

 Have already started making, selecting things, cleaning things, refreshing things and making display containers and adding to them. Don't know how much I will come up with from now until mid October but I'm gonna give it my best shot. Not interested in making Christmas decor mostly thinking about gifts and gift tags and cards with Christmas in mind the rest will be for gifting. I learned so much while I was into jewelry making about display and making my own display holders that while making the items I'm also making things to display the crafts I make on. All very creative. I don't really have any pictures to add here. 

Well, I think I'll postpone posting this until tomorrow when I can take some pictures of what I'm making for show and tell....yup, think I'll do that. Right now it's 3:40am so I need to turn out the light and go to sleep instead of keep writing. SO...nite nite and I take this up tomorrow and get it posted then.... Still didn't take any pics but before I say goodnight this Sat. night I want to mention what I'm amazed about and that is those of you who read my posts are from all over the World.

I mentioned Hong Kong where there are the most readers then there's Singapore, France and so many more. I just want to say thank you all for popping in and reading what I write. I'd love to hear from you individually and I can if you will leave a comment or you can just say Hi. Maybe I'll remember about the pics tomorrow...Goodnight all....

having trouble arranging the pictures but these are just a couple of crafts in the making. The reindeer are made of salt dough and they are bow ornaments to put on a Christmas gift.

Hello readers in Hong Kong

Every time I post I look at who reads my blog. Not really who but where the readers are in this world. The biggest or most readers are from Hong Kong so far for June. What a suprise and I just want to say thank you for visiting and reading. I would love to hear from you in the comment section if you want even just to say Hi. If you would like for me to write about something you want to know about leave your idea in the comment and I will write about your request. It would certainly be a pleasure to do so. This is a picture of my back porch at my new home.

Did I tell you I'm a great grandmother?

 Isn't it wonderful?                                                                                            So thankful for Mazie!

Mazie  7.11#'s

And she's beautiful. I've gotten lots of pictures thanks to my daughter who is with her daughter and her new baby daughter. Well, that's my big news. They live far far away but it's okay. When I was having my babies I lived far far away from my parents and grandparents. Technology may be frustrating sometimes but I'm sure thankful that I get to see her in real time on my laptop and hear the conversations  going on while I get to watch baby Mazie sleep. LOL, I think that's funny. It is actually fun and a treat to get to see her sleeping while life goes on around her she is all snuggled up sleeping.   

In the mean time back at the cottage, I've unpacked the last box and busy now organizing the closets and each room, one at a time. Some rooms, like the craft room, are a continual organizing and reorganizing but that's to be expected. 

I knew my life was going to change because of this move. Texas is big and it takes a while to get where you want to go no matter where you live. I moved across town and its like moving to a different town. The same stores I shopped at before have branches where I moved and I'm noticing they are each laid out just a little bit differently so things aren't in the same place in each store. The traffic is terrific here more than where I was and I was in a busy area. I'm using more gas going across town to church and friends and it takes more time to get across town from where I am now. Looks like my gas budget is going to increase considerably and I'm thinking I have to run errands and stay out longer by trying to take care of them in one trip. Kinda like living out in the country only not if you get what I mean. Other things are looking like change is gonna happen too like seeing friends less often and maybe even changing churches. Because there seems to be more traffic it's a bit more of effort to get somewhere because of the amount of cars and the speed limit is higher so everyone is moving faster. Not a problem really just different.

I'm glad I made the move it's really good and I must admit I do like change. Brings lots of new things and new people and different experiences. It's really a good thing, kind of like an adventure.  My apartment is much more square footage and so I walk more just inside my home from room to room and up and down the hallway and that can't be bad. The neighborhood is much safer to walk my pooch. The streets are narrow and curvy and there is a no trespassing sign at the entry of the community. So most of the cars are residents or visitors so nearly no traffic. Milo and I walk safely and he is beginning to be familiar with the streets we walk in and the other dogs of the neighborhood. He's not real friendly with them though, just their owners. He likes them alot. I've done a little crafting  while sorting all the box contents since the first of May. I do have big plans in that aspect of my new residence.  Slowly but surely the craft room is looking better and less congested.

Life is good these days for me and I hope the same is for you where ever you are. I know, there's lots to complain about but I choose not to do that. I really am thankful for all this move has given me, even the gas and time  that has changed. That's it for this post. It's a little after 11pm so time to turn in on this 6th of June. God bless you and yours...keep looking up, it's just easier on the eyes and thoughts. 

Leave a comment, that's something I haven't had yet but I sure would like to know what's on your mind. I'm Judy, in my room at my new cottage...good night.