It's the Holiday Season and particularly in this season this is a most difficult subject to post but on behalf of Moms who are in the midst of such a devastating circumstance I have felt it important to talk/write about my experience that is ongoing. I have done some looking around on the web to see what may be available to me that would help in anyway with my heart as I continue my way in the acceptance of something I have no control over. I have found that this thing that happens between family members is not at all rare and is on the rise. It is also not talked about much because of guilt, embarrassment, disbelief and many other reasons and feelings. So, here I am with my own version of estrangement initiated by my oldest daughter beginning in her mid 50's, my mid 70's.
I never even considered estrangement. Saw a few movies on TV about it and I
think someone I knew long ago told me about it. I can remember seeing special
stories reported in the news over the years about a parent and child being
reunited after years of a separation by the choice of one or the other or maybe
even consensual. Never in my wildest ideas and thought did ever consider I might have to
really live it myself.
The date has escaped my memory, maybe that's intentional I
don't know. I suppose if I tried, I could come close the time frame, but it
isn't that important exactly when it happened. I don't know what the catalyst was
or is. I think about it and really it could have been what was a slow-mo implosion that happened very
quietly. Born out of offenses taken in both parties. The turning point did not contain conversation. There wasn't a face to face argument or yelling or anything
like that. If there was a discussion I do not recall and considering the length
of time it is possible I have blocked somethings out. As my memory serves me, I
wrote a letter to my daughter with specific demands and ultimatums. Maybe that was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak and what did it. There was never a direct response to me from her and I haven't seen
her since before the letter until just recently.
I have not heard her voice. I am barred from
knowing her address and that came when I asked for her address and was told that her she didn't want me to have her address so I didn't get it then. I have since learned that she doesn't want to know anything about
me until it's over. I guess that means she doesn't want to know that I'm dying
until after I die. Interesting and saddening.
There have been family gatherings
I wasn't invited to that she attended and that came to me via pictures posted of
everyone but me attending. There was an event planned in which I informed that I
would be at the party during a particular time frame to allow my daughter to
attend without seeing me. Turned out she didn't go because of illness. On
several occasions during the first year of the estrangement I attempted to have
a conversation but a full stop was instituted the first
time and at subsequent attempts. Never allowed to defend my stance or to hear my
side of whatever the issue is that caused the separation or even if it was a letter.
I even did some research to
find out how long these situations typically last and found that between Mother
and daughter it's 9 years generally. Some are shorter and some never reconnect.
So, that was not a hope builder. I have no solution nor answers or even
suggestions how to bridge the gap. I can say what I'm doing and not doing while I hope. At this point
I'm not even waiting or looking for it to happen. I wouldn't say I've lost hope
but what I have done is I've given it to my Heavenly Father because I have no
control over what happens except for my own heart.
My daughter is an adult and in her 60's now and
completely in control of her decision making. At that age we've all actually
been making our own decisions for many years, and we get to live with those
decisions. So, she has made her decision and continues to maintain those decisions.
Therefore, she owns it all. I haven't had anything to do with it for a very long
time. Why do I say that? Because since she decided to pull away, I have had no options but to honor her choice.
I've not been
allowed to have contact with her in any way. Again, her choice. I did not make
that choice, so I don't own the whole thing. That idea has given me freedom to live my
life to its fullest. Because I cannot do anything to change her mind but I can choose to be responsible for my choice to move forward and not get stuck in something I cannot control or do anything to resolve.
I'm 80 now and I'm pretty much okay except when
I'm not. And those "not" times happen maybe about every 4 or 5 months. When it
does hit me, those sometimes are worse than others and some last longer than others
but the good thing is I do pull out of them. I've just come out of one of those
"not" times and it's very fresh but I am out of it. Each time is similar to the
grief I suffered through when my husband died.
The difference is she is alive
and lives in the town down the road and visits her son and other family regularly.
When one of those 'not's I mentioned happens I run the gambit of emotions in my
head. When it first happened, I tried everything I could think of to mend the
fence. What put a stop to that was when she decided not to let me have her
address. When I was told me that she didn't want me to have her address, it
began a whole new era in our relationship.
Rejection from a child no
matter how old they are is real. She is a woman in her 60's and it's a whole different
issue and touches so many other feelings than when as a child gets mad at you. No
question now that as an adult with grown children of her own it's a real
decision a thought-out choice.
I do
know that once we become adults, we get to legitimately make our own choices and the way I
see it it's up to me to respect and honor her right to choose. So, when I am okay, I can live with
that. When I'm not okay, I write a letter that never gets sent. I've written to
her; I have written to her husband and emailed it. Those that I don't send are for venting, requesting that we reconcile. In the email I did send to the son in law, I
said if he wasn't comfortable corresponding with me, I would understand and if I
didn't hear from him soon, I would not bother him again. I haven't heard from
him and that's been quite some time ago...months maybe even a year ago.
Am I
living my life? Absolutely! Am I happy, yes! Am I fulfilled? Yes! What there is
though is a deeply seeded sorrow for the lack of my oldest daughter in my life with
a desire that one day this will all be over. That part is hope, the hope that
comes from my Savior Jesus Christ and that's how I can be all the above and
enjoy life and I am enjoying my life even when a "not" time occurs. I don't
know if this post is helpful except that sometimes I know that just
knowing someone else has been through what I might be going through is
encouragement.
I hope that is the case for the reader whoever you are and
whatever you may have going on in the life you are living that you are taking care of yourself. Estrangement...even if it's someone else's. Maybe someone known to you is living
with this kind of a divorce. I do know I've done all I can, and I've covered it
all in prayer to my Heavenly Father and I know he is working when I don't see
that he is working. In that comes the ability to be hopeful and keep on
living my life joyfully. I hope for the day of reconciliation.
I've talked a bit
about choices, and I want to say something more about that. As adults have to can make
choices. We can change our mind about those choices. It's a God given right.
He won't stop us from making poor choices because He created us with that option to freely choose when there's an option. He will only intervene when we ask. But we
have to actually do that. If we ask, He will answer.
Once you invite God in you will
begin the healing process, and an estrangement situation will no longer have power over you. That doesn't mean you will forget that person
but it can mean the pain won't be there when you do think of her or even him. Choose to live the
remainder of life in peace. This is what I'm working on doing now. And when the "not"
comes I write a letter that never gets sent and I say everything that hurts at
the moment. Once I type it out where I can see it, I have a manner of relief.
Please leave a comment and tell me what you
think. I really want to know. I'm in the cottage and May God bless you and keep you. Judy PS...our enemy
Satan came to steel, kill and destroy. We who believe in Jesus know we have been
protected and speaking His name "Jesus" will send the plans of our enemy to
flight. Jesus is who he says he is, we have the God given right to stand up and
choose Jesus over everything that concerns us. (meaning even our hurt and
memories) because of John 3:16.
Follow-up. There was a wedding of which both my daughter and I attended. Though we came close never made eye contact or any other kind of connection. It was a surprisingly easy thing to accomplish. Still sad but I was able to accomplish the desired outcome of the situation without any unpleasantness. A week prior to the wedding and having the address through other sources, I sent a bouquet of flowers with a note which read "can we start over? Mom". I received no answer or recognition I know it was delivered because I called the florist to be sure. I have settled my heart that I have done all I can and decided, unless I change my mind, not to make any further attempts. My choice.
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